Prophecy

Remember all stuff that about blood and tears in the last post? This time it was nearly blood for me, and tears for someone else. I think I’m a little shell-shocked right now. I don’t know why she reacted that way. I mean, other people have left in tears before, but… I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I never knew that she could…

But I’m being awful again.

I’m sure you will read this. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was doing. I will make an appointment right now with Fran for next week. I will tell her everything she wants to know.

What I told you was the truth. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Is this about him? But you know I can’t give it up. It’s been so long, and I don’t think he could take it.

All this time I thought there were only three people I could ever love. Him, mom, and my little trooper. Of course there are others like El or Jak or my other brothers and sisters, but compared to them… Mom is dead, of course.  And my little trooper is out my of reach now.

But now, I’m thinking of all the things I’ve done to hurt you. And now I realize that you’ve never hurt me, not even once. Emotionally, I mean. Is that right? Even today, when you left, I wasn’t hurt. All I did was think about how hurt you must be now. But I can’t imagine how it feels. So that’s an issue? That I am never hurt?

People say that I am strong. But I don’t know how that correlates. Is that because I am always numb inside? I’ve always been this way, as far back as I can remember.

The first time we met, I remember so clearly. You threw a glass of wine in my face at a runway party and I laughed really hard. And then you talked to me about Shakespeare and Kant versus Bentham. Then I asked for your phone number and I got it. And I asked if you wanted to go out sometime, and you did. It was surprising, to say the least. So we met the next night at a coffee shop – that really nice place off 22nd street – and talked about how underrated HyperTransport is. And the next night it was desktop publishing at Mario’s pizza place. In fact, I’m pretty sure I can recite everything about our first ten to fifteen meetings; it’s all in my mind that clearly.

Everything about you is just so fun – but is that really what you want as my descriptor of you? Fun? You’re so much more than fun. I wish I could tell you right now. But I think I would screw it up. Like how I screwed it up with… my little sister. I suppose that’s another issue. But I just met her the other day and she told me to fix myself up too. Like everyone else. It was a little upsetting, I must admit. It made me think about things I didn’t want to think about. Like what I’m doing now.

I think I’m going to make an appointment with Fran for tomorrow. I’ll call you after that. I hope that’s not too early.

Advertisement